


remembering you | peter parker

by stxvetony



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Adopted Peter Parker, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Avengers Family, Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie) Spoilers, Canon Divergence - Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Domestic Avengers, Everyone Is Alive, Everyone Loves Peter Parker, Fluff, Gen, Hurt Peter Parker, Hurt Tony Stark, Ned Leeds is a Good Bro, Parent Tony Stark, Peter Parker Has a Family, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Precious Peter Parker, Protective Avengers, Protective Bucky Barnes, Protective Natasha Romanov, Protective Steve Rogers, Sort Of, Suicide Attempt, Tony Stark Acting as Peter Parker's Parental Figure, Tony Stark Dies, except for Tony, i like hurting peter, my baby just deserves to be happy, so trigger warning for that
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-24
Updated: 2019-02-06
Packaged: 2019-08-07 04:02:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 11
Words: 10,586
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16400936
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stxvetony/pseuds/stxvetony
Summary: ❝ he could feel himself breaking as he fell over the edge ❞peter parker's story is a story of loss. after losing everyone in his life, the 16-year old who has known too much death and destruction closes himself off, almost breaking into pieces.the other avengers, who love the teenager as their own family, are willing to do anything to make him whole again, to make him happy once more.





	1. 1 | falling

**Author's Note:**

> * attempted suicide *
> 
> i like hurting peter which is bad because my baby just deserves to be happy asldfkjh this is basically a way to cope and prepare for avengers 4 which is most definitely going to kill me next year so yay so excited for that... anyways thank you guys tons for clicking on this and reading!!!!! it would mean everything if you could leave a comment as feedback for me as a writer :) constructive criticism is always appreciated!

Peter Parker has known a lot of tragedy in his life. His parents. Uncle Ben.

Each had an enormous impact on his life, his mindset, his worldview. Some might assume that losing his parents, and his adoptive parents would cause Peter to close himself up and become distrusting of the world. Perhaps this was true in some respect, but for the most part, all those who met Peter Parker would remark about how loving and open he seemed towards the world. 

Peter Parker's approach towards all those around him, to all those he managed to encounter for however short the time period, melted hearts around him. One smile, one simple conversation, and he easily broke through the walls of those around him.

And then Aunt May died from cancer. Many noticed that Peter seemed to be more subdued, more depressed, and didn't seem to smile anymore. At school, Flash made fun of Peter for it, but even the criminals who Spider-man fought seemed to notice the lack of banter directly after her death. 

Peter had thought for sure everything would be over for him, resorting him to be homeless until Tony basically forced Peter to be adopted by him and Pepper. 

Slowly, Peter built himself back up again with Tony. He rebuilt his life, his family, his happiness.

That's not to say that it was easy. Peter closed himself off in isolation at first, choosing to hole himself up in his lab or his room, only going out for school or for Spiderman.

But he was okay. Tony, who had never thought of himself to be anything even remotely close to a parent, was perhaps the most loving person Peter had ever had.

And when Natasha made a small comment teasing Tony, one month after his adoption, Peter managed a small smile.

It took a other whole 2 months for Peter to fully laugh, and a whole year for him to finally feel whole again, content with the rest of the world.

And when Peter had finally called Tony "Dad", the man almost cried from happiness.

Peter's makeshift family only continued to grow larger. The tower was constantly filled with employees running through and about, some of which Peter grew close to, as well as the remains of the Avengers who were a constant presence in his life. And when the other Avengers were pardoned and moved back into the tower, Sam, Clint, Steve, Bucky and Wanda forced their way through his walls and into his family as well.

And Peter never felt more happiness in his life, even when his parents were alive.

° ° °

After years of realizing that his luck would never last for long, Peter should have known better.

He should've have known better that all he was destined for was hurting everyone around him. Instead of hurting his new family now, he should've have just remained homeless, sucked it up, and dealt with it instead of putting his burden on Tony.

Tony died for him.

If Peter had just listened for once in his life, instead of choosing to hop onto the donut space ship, Tony would be okay. If Peter hadn't allowed himself to become so attached, Tony would be perfectly fine.

Peter was attempting to fight Thanos with the help of Dr. Strange when Thanos suddenly starting choking him. He felt himself losing the battle with life, when Tony in panic, tried to stab Thanos.

And just like that, Tony was gone. Turning the knife to stab Tony himself instead, all Peter could do was watch in horror as the knife went through Tony, and the life fell out of his eyes.

All Peter could so was watch helplessly for running to Tony. Running to do anything, to somehow save his dad from the very brink of death.

He was too late. And as he sobbed in pain, all Peter could notice was Tony smiling. Tony smiling in peace that he had saved his son.

But Peter wasn't worth it. Why couldn't his dad have seen that?

"I'm sorry."

Peter is so sorry for all the pain, the hurt, for destroying everyone close to him. Peter later found out that Thor had effectively killed Thanos, but Peter wasn't any help. Peter couldn't even save Tony.

What was the point of being Spiderman it all he did was make people's hearts break into pieces? What was the point being this super Spiderman, if all Peter did was kill everyone who tried to take a chance on him?

What was the point without his family? Without Tony?

Peter Parker was only 16 years old on the day he lost everything. Most people in the world lose more and more as they grow older. Perhaps it hurts for them, too. Perhaps they would sit in their room crying for a week.

But before he was even an adult yet, Peter had already lost everyone worth losing. He had nobody.

And even though the rest of the Avengers rally around him, Peter knows that they must all blame him somehow too, blame him for killing Tony.

So Peter pushes them all away. He isolates himself from everyone who tries to get close.

Peter drops himself over into insanity.

Why was he six feet under water without anyone hearing him?


	2. 2 | destruction

"Is he okay?" Natasha asked softly as she slid into the kitchen after seeing Rhodey glumly close Peter's door behind him.

"I finally got him to sleep. The kid was passed out from exhaustion working on his Spiderman suit with ideas that Ton — he gave him."

Natasha almost started laughing hysterically in pain.

Tony Stark's death was an incident that came out of nowhere, because well, Tony had always seemed immortal.

His sudden death after defeating Thanos had been a sudden smack in the face. And while Natasha couldn't exactly say that she was that close to Tony, his death hit her hard nonetheless.

What destroyed her more was seeing Peter come so close to breaking these days. When Peter had first moved into the tower, Natasha had simply assumed that he would be Stark's kid that she would make herself tolerate.

He would be too much like Tony. Sarcastic, somewhat of a player, arrogant and a genius. Instead, Peter inherited the very best of Tony Stark, despite not being biologically his son. 

Sacrificing, little self-confidence underneath, somewhat broken behind the facade of the public. 

Peter Parker ended up being perhaps the single most important person in Natasha's life. Her little spider, who was her partner in crime. 

Because spiders stuck together, and Peter Parker stuck by Natasha through it all. They pranked the other Avengers, especially Clint when he came back to the tower. They sat together on the couch watching Netflix early in the morning when neither could sleep much. Peter never asked why Natasha couldn't sleep, simply sitting down next to her in the silent comfort that only he could manage. 

As Peter forced himself into her life, Natasha felt the happiest she had been in a long time. The kid was always there for her.

And now, in his darkest hour, she couldn't even return the favor and be there for Peter, because he wouldn't let her, wouldn't let anyone get close to him.

"I hope the kid will be okay eventually. So much heartbreak at such a young age." Rhodey spoke softly.

But Natasha knew that Peter wouldn't ever be okay again. When one has lost too many people in their life, they learn to shut down to love, to shut down to those who help them. They become an empty shell of who they were before.

Natasha should know.

"I just hope he knows that we will always be here waiting for him if he's ready to let us in again." She spoke softly.

Her heart felt like a knife was twisting itself deeper and deeper inside, as she watched Peter isolate himself into destruction.

Rhodey nodded in agreement.

Tony's death affected all of the Avengers tremendously. But it affected Peter perhaps the most.

Tony's death destroyed Peter. And Peter venturing into destruction of himself destroyed Natasha.


	3. 3 | memories

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> these are so short i'm sorry asldkfjh

Steve Rogers wasn't one for easily showing his emotions. He was this epitome of perfection in the public eye, loyal, trustworthy, noble, self-sacrificing, and generally seen as the only "normal" one among the Avengers.

And then Tony Stark died.

Steve and Tony had a complicated relationship. The two of them had been through countless dangerous situations, countless situations in which they had to work together. They were friends, perhaps even best friends, poking fun at each other and talking with the rest of the team.

Civil War happened, and then that delicate friendship was destroyed. Steve didn't ever regret saving Bucky, but he often woke up, shivering in guilt from leaving Tony, from almost killing Tony in Siberia. It was guilt that would never go away.

When he moved back into the tower, Steve knew his relationship with Tony would be damaged, perhaps even unsalvageable. But he knew he had to try, and slowly, the two of them repaired their friendship, despite how shaky it was.

And then Peter Parker showed up.

Peter Parker was a sudden force into Steve's life, a droplet of sunshine since the events of Civil War. The kid had somehow wormed his way into the super soldier's heart.

Steve didn't initially spend that much time with Peter, choosing to spend the majority of his time off exploring or hanging around with Bucky.

And then one day he woke up in the middle of the night, getting up to go get a drink of water, when Steve found the younger one slumped over his physics textbook in exhaustion.

On a normal day, Natasha or Tony would probably have been there with the kid, gently picking him up with only the care a father or mother figure could have. That day, however, neither of them could be seen, and after a brief moment of hesitation, Steve picked the kid up easily, before walking into his room, tucking him in bed.

Before he had left, Peter had woken up sleepily, "Thanks, Mr. Rogers."

He smiled. "Call me Steve."

And after that incident, Peter and Steve became closer. As he spent more time with the kid, Steve realized how much Peter could talk, rambling on and on about the simplest of concepts. The kid had forever present excitement in his voice. And Steve thought he would never be that close to the kid, until the kid smiled all toothily at him, and he knew he was screwed.

And although Steve could say that he was close to Peter, his relationship was nothing compared to the father-son duo of Tony and Peter. The two of them would spend hours working in the lab together, spend hours simply just spending time together in comfort of each others presence. It was funny seeing Tony suddenly become such a helicopter dad, being perhaps the most overprotective parent Steve had seen in years.

And so when Tony Stark died, Steve couldn't even pretend to say that he understood what Peter was going through. Because he didn't, not really at least. Although one could say losing Bucky was somewhat reminiscent of Peter losing his father, the two were one entirely different scales.

Steve had cried when he heard the news of Tony's death, after the remains of a ship dropped off the young boy in Wakanda, before flying away a short time later.

The Avengers had been ecstatic to see the kid they had all grown to love like a child, Natasha immediately running forward and hugging Peter in her arms.

It was only after she released the boy, who was shivering when they noticed the tears on his cheek. And when Steve suddenly realized with a jolt, that Tony was missing, Peter burst into tears, sobbing onto the former assassin's shoulder, releasing snot everywhere.

"No. No. No." Rhodey stumbled forward, hands shaking. "Peter please."

The kid dropped his head. "It's my fault. I'm sorry."

Natasha had gripped the kid more tightly at that statement, too exhausted, full of too much grief to say anything.

Dimly, Steve heard someone sobbing, before he had realized the sound had been him.

Tony Stark's death broke Peter Parker. And Steve's heart hurt that he could do nothing for the boy, except watch him wither away and go down a darker path.

He only wished Peter would allow himself to be saved before it was too late.


	4. 4 | destruction

Bucky Barnes never expected to become so close to one Tony Stark. Much less become close to Tony's son out of all people.

Tony Stark was a legend to say the least, his stories of grandeur, of technological advances, of his days as a master superhero were stories told to many among the world.

And here Bucky was. Bucky was a forgotten name to say the least, faded stories of his World War II days with Steve by his side. And then as the Winter Soldier by HYDRA. It wasn't a surprise to learn that Tony had been so distrustful of Bucky at first, with his metal arm and all.

And then Tony was told that Bucky, although brainwashed, was responsible for his parent's death. Siberia was a disaster, and even though Bucky left Tony there, the guilt plagued him for a long time.

When Bucky moved back into the tower, the cold shoulder was unwelcoming, but not unexpected to say the least. He knew despite his healing, there would be a long way to go to gain the trust of one Tony Stark.

And then he met Peter Parker. That fucking kid. Somehow, Tony Stark's kid had every single Avenger wrapped around his pinky.

Peter was this endless ball of energy, and perhaps the only person besides Steve that made Bucky feel human in a long time.

More than that, the kid seemed to somehow believe the best in Bucky, in everyone. He believed that Bucky was healed, he believed in the good in everyone.

Peter Parker had a way to convince everyone in anything. All it took was a smile, and all of the rogue Avengers melted.

Perhaps that was why Peter's friendship turned into a tentative one with Tony Stark out of all people.

For a supposedly self-proclaimed playboy, Tony Stark seemed to manifest into this completely different creature in front of Peter. Overprotective, Tony was perhaps the most doting father Bucky had ever seen, perhaps because of the underlying but ever-present fear that he would turn into Howard one day.

The battle with Thanos, what the media had now dubbed Infinity War, was a mounting obstacle. But they had won. And Bucky thought that everything would have been okay until the news came that Tony Stark died in the middle of space while trying to fight the purple grape.

Tony Stark dying wasn't a thought that crossed Bucky's mind ever. It just hadn't seemed possible. The billionaire had painted this picture of perfection, of being this untouchable image of a hero.

Despite being so close to Tony as their friendship grew stronger, the man only let a handful people ever see him beyond his thick facade.

Even in front of the Avengers, in front of his friends, Tony still had a lot of his fake personality to display, never showing weakness he might have, and perhaps only being so real in front of Peter.

Bucky was sure that Tony Stark could have counted the people he truly cared about, the ones that truly saw him behind his public persona to an amount of maybe 3 or 4 people only.

Consequently, although Tony Stark would certainly be a name to be missed, to be written down in history textbooks much later, it was cruel that in some aspects, the man did not truly have many friends or family who knew him.

With the news of Tony's death, Bucky locked himself in his room for two days, wishing in a different reality where Tony would be alive.

But Bucky had Steve. Relying heavily on Steve that first week after the war, Bucky picked himself up again because he had a support system, someone to rely on.

While Peter had a support system in the form of the Avengers, the teenager lost his person he could fully rely on.

Peter Parker was alone. Bucky and all the Avengers rallied around the boy, making sure he was taken care of but it wasn't as if Tony would make everything right for his son again.

Bucky wasn't surprised when Peter isolated himself, wasn't surprised even when Peter broke and spent the days sobbing in his room while Natasha sat by his bedside watching him sadly.

And then Peter dropped himself from a rooftop into the streets of New York City.


	5. 5 | interlude

~a reflection of tony stark and peter parker's relationship until everything fell apart~

Tony Stark never thought he had a heart. It wasn't as if he ever loved someone, or as if his father over loved himself. Perhaps that was the curse of being Stark men, never having a heart.

Proof that Tony Stark has a heart. Tony Stark was melting layers of ice around his supposedly existent heart. He didn't particularly like the feeling, as chest became an actual heart more and more from meeting Rhodey, to dating Pepper.

Peter Parker sprang into his life and Tony finally knew he had a heart. His father was wrong. The little spider kid snuggled a way into a place within Tony until all Tony could do was love.

After the events of Civil War, and when the rogue Avengers popped back up into his life, Tony Stark had already been an over protective dad for months.

For someone who had never thought he would love, it was interesting to the outside world to see so much protectiveness continue to be directed towards Peter from Tony. Sure, Tony had people in his life who truly knew him, amounting to Pepper, Rhodey, and sometimes Happy.

But it was different around Peter.

Being around Rhodey, Happy, or even Pepper meant that Tony didn't necessarily have to keep himself in check much. He could be tough, hard-headed, drink alcohol (although the latter would often result in a severe reprimand from Rhodey and Pepper).

But Peter came along and suddenly Tony was almost this different side that not many had seen before. He was this loving, doting father, over protective at times sure, but what else would they expect from Iron Man?

Tony was pretty sure he hadn't even had one glass of alcohol since adopting Peter.

Not many would have thought Tony Stark could change. Often self-obsessed supposedly, Tony Stark was this shrewd genius, who didn't have time for anyone to become close to him.

Except after adopting Peter, everything changed. Tony never thought he would see the day where he wore his heart on his sleeve, never thought he'd see the day where he somehow turned into this overprotective superhero dad.

For Peter, Tony would do anything.

For Peter, Tony would destroy the world to make him safe.

For Peter, Tony would gladly sacrifice himself. And in the end, Tony did so simply to make sure the single most important person in his life could live a life of happiness.


	6. 6 | aftermath

° ° °

The stars blinked happily in the night sky, unaware of the lonely watching them underneath waves of heartbreak and despair.

It was beautiful. It was majestic. It was ignorant of all they watched over.

On this particular night, one Peter Parker sat on a roof, legs dangling dangerously onto the city streets filled with the last remains of cars and people hurrying to get home.

Peter wasn't crying. His face was filled with a sense of calm serenity, although his heart beat irregularly with turmoil.

For a teenager who had lost his whole family, for a teenager who had lost everyone he once held close to his heart, any passerby would wonder why Peter wasn't currently sobbing his heart out now.

Peter wasn't sobbing because he broke. Sanity was not an aspect that was present. All Peter wanted was for his world to be built back up again.

And so, Peter let himself fall over the rooftop, into the depths of New York City beneath him.

° ° °

Peter never felt the sickening splat of himself into the sidewalk. He never heard the screams of the bystanders who were rushing home back to their families after a long day at work. Peter never heard the sirens who disrupted the strangely peaceful New York City night, rushing the kid who tried to commit suicide into the hospital. Peter never heard the panicked cries of the Avengers, whose hearts twisted at the mere thought of losing their teammate, their family, the son of Tony in all aspects except biologically.

All Peter remembered as waking up 3 weeks later, to the beeping of machines back at the Avengers tower.

★ ★ ★

It was dark at first. Peter couldn't hear anything for the longest time, and when he finally made view of blurry shapes and piercing voices which sounded all too harsh, he had already slipped back into unconsciousness.

The next time Peter woke up, and finally mustered up the energy to open his eyes a crack, everything was clearer. Albeit, his vision was still blurry as if everything was underwater, but at least he could sort of make out individual people instead of blobs of shapes.

When Peter turned his head around, ignoring the sudden sharp pain in his head, he noticed a sleeping Natasha, who had visible tear tracks over her face.

The last thing Peter wanted to do was to cause anymore hurt to Natasha, but when he tried to open his mouth to croak words out to make his consciousness known, the teenager found that he couldn't talk.

And before he could try even further he drifted off into the darkness once more.

The third time Peter felt awake it was dark outside. The only indication that he was indeed awake was the soft sound of snoring by Clint who sat in the chair next to the hospital bed.

Shifting his hand slightly, which sat gripped so tightly by Clint that it was a wonder that his hand wasn't purple yet, Peter sat debating about whether to wake Clint up, dreading what was to come.

Before any dark thoughts could drift into his head, Peter clenched his fists, willing everything to disappear. He wished for the silence, to stop the incessant drumming of his heart, the ringing of his ears.

Silence was safe. Darkness was safe. Peter knew he was broken a long time ago. Perhaps he had always been slightly broken since his both of his parents died at such a young age. It was simply the time spent with the avengers that seemed to slowly mend the crack in him.

Maybe he would be almost fixed if Tony was still here with him.

The thoughts kept on invading Peter's mind, filling him with darkness. Not the safe, silent kind of darkness, but the kind the noisy kind of darkness which consumed people.

He wanted to scream, but his throat couldn't seem to make any noise. Peter shifted towards the table where a bottle of water sat on it looking lonely.

The bed made a loud squeak when Peter shifted his body weight onto his side, and he winced at the sharping noise that appeared.

Clint moved next to him, opening his eyes, before shooting up faster than Peter thought could ever be possible, staring at him in shock while Peter watched back blinking with his brown eyes.

Clint looked like he was about to burst out crying in relief.

"Oh my gosh! Peter!" Clint pulled him into a crushing hug, sounding on the verge of breaking down.

Peter swallowed, trying to look happy for Clint, who had probably spent so much time waiting for him to wake up.

"Hi." Peter croaked out, wincing at the tone of his voice.

The noises both outside and inside the room increased, until they drowned Peter. Everything was too loud, and all Peter wanted was the comfortable silence that couldn't seemed to be obtained if he tried to be awake and be normal.

And so he gave up following back into the darkness, smiling sadly on the inside when he saw Clint's panicked face turn more relieved. Peter was happy that he could at least make some of his teammates seemingly happy, even if he couldn't be happy himself.

★ ★ ★

"Kid."

It sounded like Tony.

"Peter. Please don't keep on hurting yourself. I love you more than anything. I will never regret saving you because you mean the world to me. Keep on living for me. Graduate, go to college, date the M.J girl you love so much. Don't keep your life on pause because of me. Thank you for being my son and letting me in your life. You're the best thing that ever happened to me."

Peter choked out a sob. "How can you say that Dad, when it's my fault? I -- If I wasn't so stupid you would still be here. How can I live with myself knowing that I could have prevented everything."

"Peter. I don't blame you. I would never blame you for anything like this. It wasn't your fault at all. I would do it all over again in a heartbeat."

"I could've saved you."

"No. You couldn't." Tony smiled sadly at the boy. "Don't beat yourself up. Don't blame yourself. All I want is for you to live a happy life." Tony faded away.

"I love you Dad." Peter whispered into the air, as a tear fell down his cheek.

"I love you too Peter. Always."

★ ★ ★

Natasha sat by Peter's bedside, her heart twisted unto itself whenever she mustered up the courage to look at Peter.

The teenager was pale as a sheet, looking sickly. His face looked, and a lone tear subconsciously traced down his face.

Turning away momentarily, Natasha angrily wiped away at her eyes. Peter was the last person to continuously deserve this much hurt in his life. The boy was the best person to ever happen to many of the Avengers. He deserved the world. And what did he get instead? Instead, the universe decided to hand Peter a whole basket of worms.

How much more loss and hurt did that boy have to endure before the universe decided everything was enough?

It wasn't fair.

Turning back towards the sleeping Peter, Natasha smiled softly when she saw Peter smile. She wasn't sure what would have caused this, but it was nice to see the kid smile after so long.

She would protect the kid until the end of the world. Because if anyone deserved to be happy, it was definitely one Peter Parker.


	7. 7 | silence

Rhodey sat next to Peter in silence, looking out the window in exhaustion. The last rays of sunlight streaming through the window would have made a beautiful picture, if not for the spiderling who was pale as a sheet lying next to Rhodey.

He was irrationally angry that it could be sunny. Why didn't the world stop when Tony died too? Outside it should have been black and white, stormy, a perfect representation of how Rhodey has felt since his best friend's death, and how he had felt since his nephew had tried to kill himself.

So mother nature shouldn't have had the pure audacity for think that everything was okay enough that it could be a nice day outside.

Or maybe that was just the world's way of showing how cruel it truly was.

The shifting beside Rhodey turned his attention back to Peter, the young teenager hunching over himself while he cried in his sleep. His heart broke a little more looking at the kid, turning away to blink the tears out of his eyes.

He didn't seem to notice how long the time had passed before he heard a dry voice behind him.

"I'm sorry." Peter croaked.

Turning his head so quickly that Rhodey was pretty sure he almost got whiplash, he couldn't seem to stop the tears from full on flowing down his cheeks.

Pulling Peter into a tight hug, Rhodey sobbed. "It wasn't your fault kid. I love you so much. We all love you so much." He whispered.

"I just want to see him again." Peter's breath hitched as Rhodey felt the tears soaking through his shirt.

Rhodey's heart broken some more. The kid that used to be the sunshine of the group, that was the brightest, bubbliest, most over-active fanboy he had ever met was simply left to this shell of a boy in front of him.

"I know Pete. I know. I'm never ever going to give up on you Peter. None of us will. You're going to be okay someday. I promise."

Peter didn't respond, and Rhodey figured that the kid probably didn't believe him, not that he blamed him.

There sat some of the closest people in Tony's life, sitting in a isolated room hugging each other, sobbing to their hearts content.

Perhaps it wouldn't make either of them feel much better, but it certainly felt a little less lonely knowing that someone was with them.

★ ★ ★

Rhodey left sometime later, promising that one of the avengers would come soon later.

Peter didn't know how much time had passed since everything had gone down. The whole world seemed to be some sort of simulation gone wrong, perhaps he would wake up tommorow and everything would be the same again.

Dragging himself off the bed, Peter winced at the cold tiles touching his swollen feet, which hadn't been in use in sometime. He sat there gripping the handle of the bed, trying to somehow muster up the courage to stand up again.

Peter wasn't sure how long he sat there, posed to get up from the bed, but hesitating each time. The very act of standing required the ability for Peter to face the world, and say that he was okay.

It required more pretending. And Peter wasn't sure he could do that again. Maybe that was why silence, death sounded better. There Peter didn't have to pretend anymore. He could be at peace.

It was sometime after, where Peter had still not hauled himself up from the bed, when he vaguely wondered where another avenger was in the room. Looking around, it was devoid of human noise, although the atmospheric noise in the room was verging on too much for Peter to handle.

Maybe the avengers had finally given up. Maybe they had finally realized Peter was just some stupid kid, and he didn't deserve the attention of some of the most well known people in the world.

Peter forced the thoughts invading his mind like some sort of bottle of black ink knocked over, spreading on the white paper. He knew that the avengers loved him.

That didn't stop him from feeling so alone though.

Legs shaking, Peter forced himself off the bed, almost falling over for a split second. He wasn't quite sure he could do this. Hobbling over to the lone mirror, Peter looked into it, not recognizing the person that stared back at him.

The person staring back at Peter was pale as a ghost, bruises and scars covering his face while some leftover gear protected his head. He was shaking, and the dull brown eyes stared back like some sort of dead stone. There didn't seem to be any sort of life present.

The kid didn't want to go on like this. The first time failed, and perhaps surviving should have made Peter stronger in some way, but all it succeeded in doing so was breaking Peter some more.

But when Peter closed his eyes he could see the rest of the avengers, memories after memories flashing by in his mind.

There was Bucky, his quiet brooding self protecting Peter while he shouted insults at Sam across the couch.

There was Clint who never failed to crack a joke and make him smile, groaning when he lost another bet against Natasha.

There was Bruce's quiet self, kind, generous, mentoring as he worked with Peter in the labs smiling at the kid's childlike wonderment.

There was Sam who constantly pretended he couldn't stand Peter but would smile whenever the kid came bounding back from school.

There was Steve who never seemed to give up on Peter no matter what, the epitome of generosity and kindness, staying with the kid long into the night.

There was Rhodey, one of the first people Peter met whose eyes sparkled, always poking endless fun at Tony while telling Peter about the days his dad would spend as a young kid at MIT.

There was Wanda, who he wasn't very close to her, but the girl always seemed to care in her own looking from far away sort of instance.

There was Thor, the man Peter had idolized for so long, who always made Peter feel loved, never falling short of showering him with affection.

There was Shuri, who Peter had met only twice, but had instantly became one of his best friends, the days of watching vine compilations and working in the lab coming into focus.

There was always Natasha no matter what. The two spiders were often joined at the hip, staying up in the night with a cup of hot chocolate, taking comfort in one another.

And Peter promised Tony he wouldn't give up. He promised he would do better.

And so the 16 year old who had already known too much hurt opened the door.

a/n


	8. 8 | half a step forward, two steps back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow look shuri finally appears akdjhf thank you guys for reading! it means so much :) constructive criticism is always appreciated

Stepping out into the hallway felt like something out of a movie or book. Peter would never have known how hard it would be to take on a singular step.

He stood there at the door, poised to step outside the threshold but couldn't seem to go any further than where he stood.

Peter stood there, trying to muster up the courage when he heard faint footsteps heading towards the door, although Peter thought these footsteps sounded as loud as gunshots.

Slipping back inside, and closing the door, wincing at the noise it made when the heavy doors slid shut, Peter realized he truly wasn't ready to face everyone else.

He wasn't ready to face the rest of his team, much less the world for that matter. He simply wanted to curl back into his bed.

When the weight of the world, when he had all this pain, it was so much easier to simply slip back into the covers and go back, hiding from the rest of the world.

Deep inside though, there was perhaps a small part, buried underneath all his walls that were building up, the part which housed the Peter a half a year ago, in which knew he could be better. 

Peter cautiously opened the door again, breathing heavily, as if he almost ran a marathon. His senses were going into overdrive, and the teenager had to stop every couple of seconds to lean against the wall. Peter hadn’t noticed the tears in his eyes before he passed a mirror in the hallway. 

He looked even worse than before, as if the walk down the hallway had drained all his energy. His hands were shaking constantly, and he looked without any energy, his eyes red and crying. Peter had thought he had walked for at least 10 minutes, but when he turned to look back at the hallway, the doorway of the room in which he had been housed in for some time was merely 5 feet away. 

Peter sank to the ground sobbing. The thoughts in his head were drowning him, contradicting everything, leaving him confused and helpless. There were those that persuaded him to keep on going, reminiscent of the happier times, but the thoughts of pain, the thoughts of ending everything, the thoughts that constantly screamed that it was his fault for Tony’s death were quickly consuming everything. 

And after a while, everything was just empty. 

There were no more thoughts, no more overpowered sounds in his head. 

There was simply a 16 year old boy, sobbing in the dark hallway. 

° ° °

Rhodey walked into the common area where the rest of the Avengers sat forlornly, collapsing on one of the couches, his eyes red from crying. 

He didn’t say much for a good while, glad everyone else didn’t push him for much information. When he looked up, he saw everyone else milling about, seemingly trying to keep up the facade of a normal day for each other’s sake. 

Were it not for the slowed steps, the blotchy faces, or the slight tremble in their hands, it would have looked like a perfectly normal day, before everything got fucked over. 

“Is Peter doing okay for now?” Natasha whispered, plopping down next to Rhodey in exhaustion. 

“I don’t know Nat. I really don’t know anymore.” Rhodey spoke, his voice breaking in pain. 

He slipped his arms around the trembling spy, who was so used to putting up walls, so used to showing zero emotion. The rest of the team was watching sadly, Bucky angrily turning away and wiping his eyes while Steve slipped his arms around his best friend’s shoulders. 

“Hey. Someone else needs to go watch the Man of Spiders for a while.” Thor spoke up from the kitchen where he was currently trying to drown his sorrows in poptarts. 

“Where’s Peter?” Someone spoke from the doorway. Rhodey turned to see a glum Shuri leaning against T’Challa, who was seemingly trying to stay strong for the trembling girl. 

“Down the hall.” Steve whispered, pointing a shaking finger in the direction of the hallway. 

Shuri slipped out of her brother’s arms, running away to where Peter would be, wishing desperately she could make her best, her only friend her age, whole and happy once more. 

° ° °

Peter didn’t register much at first. He seemed to be stuck in a state of limbo, neither non existing, but not quite fully existing yet. At least that was what it seemed to be like in his head. 

In his head, all he saw was everything before Thanos turned everything to hell. He saw a young kid, in the middle of his teenager years, laughing around a group of people who were his family. 

 

Sam and Bucky sat in the middle of the couch, in one of their daily squabbles over the remote while Clint watched happily.

“Give it back!” Sam shouted, lunging over Bucky to grab the remote. 

Peter sat in the kitchen doing homework, leaning against Tony who was typing something on his Stark Pad. The smell of food wafted through the air, which could only mean that Steve was cooking. For a guy who had been frozen for decades, he sure knew how to cook. 

It was a pleasant Thursday, and Peter could hear laughing from the other room, no doubt not only at the scene of Sam and Bucky, but also at whatever story Thor was currently telling. 

Peter smiled, which he found himself doing more and more since May’s death some time ago. He was finally happy, and nothing could change that. 

The laughter from the ever room suddenly turned dark however, and fears that he wasn’t aware existed rose up like a wave inside him. Instead of joy, they were malicious, and when Peter turned towards the direction of the common room where it lay jointed to where he was sitting, he found the rest of the team laughing at him. 

“The little kid thinks he’s actually worth anything? He’s so useless.”

Peter turned to Tony in panic, but the man was instead looming over him, his face red with anger. 

“You could have saved me. It’s all your fault.” He shouted, his body slowly disappearing, while the laughter of everyone else continued in the background. 

“I’m sorry.” Peter sobbed. “I’m so sorry.”

 

Peter sat in the hallway, rocking back in forth, the laughter and face of his dad echoing in his mind. 

“I’m sorry.” He whispered. 

° ° °

Shuri walked down the hallway cautiously, paying careful attention to making her footsteps light, realizing that Peter would probably be even more sensitive than usual. 

When Shuri rounded the corner, she stopped in her tracks, her heart twisting among itself. Peter sat there in the middle of the hallway, crying, rocking back and forth over and over again. 

When Shuri inched closer, she realized the boy was repeating “I’m sorry.” over and over again. The young girl’s heart reaching out towards her best friend. 

Cautiously, she sat down next to him, her hand covering his white one which was shaking continuously. Peter still didn’t notice she was there however, and when Shuri tilted his head up to meet hers, her heart audibly broke. 

Peter’s eyes were cloudy, as if he had cataracts present, and Shuri unconsciously flinched at the dead stare that met her eyes. Any semblance of a spark of recognition was gone, and was instead met with a dull blankness that chilled her to the very bone.   
Shuri wasn’t quite sure she could help Peter, but she knew in her heart, she would exhaust all possibilities simply to see her friend smile happily once more. And if Shuri was quite honest with herself, seeing Peter heal once more wouldn’t even be simply for his benefit. She was a selfish person, and wished to have his company once more, hear his laughter as they worked in the lab. She wanted her best friend back. 

“Peter.” Shuri whispered cautiously. 

The other boy’s eyes didn’t change, but his fingers seemed to twitch for a second, as if some subconscious part of him, was attempting to reach out towards the girl. It was a miniscule attempt, and most people would probably have missed the movement, but this act managed to spark a hope in Shuri, that perhaps, just maybe, Peter could heal once more. 

And when she whispered his name again, only a level louder, and his head turned towards her, his eyes clearing up to the same earthy brown of soil after rain, that spark was fanned into a flame. 

He would be okay. He had to be okay.


	9. 9 | dreaming

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm so sorry for updating so late! this is really short because i was kinda rush updating since i realized it's been kind of long since the last update. i hope you enjoy and thank you for reading!
> 
> {there's a lot of hints of kinda peter parker / shuri, but like its honestly not really a thing that's why i said if you squint in the tags lol. they're best friends because duh they would have like the best friendship in the mcu, but like if u ship them there's like plenty of hints and if you don't just think of it as best friend stuff because yeah }

It was quiet when Peter woke up. It shouldn’t have been that prevalent, but for someone whose head was constantly filled with thoughts, for someone who had never known silence, it was quite a new experience. Even before everything went to hell, the kid’s head was constantly filled with equations, inventions, upgrades for his Spiderman suit, random tidbits of information that were somehow needed in doing well for school exams. 

But his mind was empty for the first time now. It was like he couldn’t seem to bring himself to muster up any kind of thoughts as if even the very act of thinking would require too much effort, the kind of effort that Peter didn’t seem to have lately. 

He was floating, in which there was simply nothingness suspended around him, not even the atoms present in the oxygen. Suspended in some sort of vacuum, Peter felt himself falling into the arms of someone, someone safe who he hadn’t felt in a long time.

Slowly lifting his head, the arms tightened around him, and Peter vaguely hoped that the person could be Tony, who had come to bring him home once more. 

But when he looked up, the face was white, faceless, certainly not carrying the sort of love constantly present on his dad’s face when he was still alive. But then the face starting shifting, shifting towards the features of one Tony Stark, a person long lost in the wind. 

He was whispering, and Peter couldn’t seem to hear anything but melted into his embrace, content with this new version of reality he currently laid in. It would be fine if everything outside turned to hell. As long as he could sit there, in his father’s arms for eternity, Peter could care less about what happened swirling around them. 

And then everything fell and changed again. Tony started shifting towards, Natasha’s features, perhaps the first mother like figure he had in his life after Aunt May. The faces ran faster until Steve came and gone, Rhodey came and gone, Bucky came and gone, until all the Avengers, all the people he had in his life back there shifted into a blur. 

And then everything came to a stop at the slightly wrinkled face of Aunt May, whose eyes were shining as bright as ever. She was looking at him as if he didn’t kill a person, looking at him as if he wasn’t a fucking murderer, and Peter was supposed that up in heaven. Peter guessed they probably didn’t know much about what happened after everything came to stop for them. That was the sole explanation of why May seemed to still look at him so, as the kid, she had raised for so long. 

“I love you, Peter.” She whispered into his hair, before she faded away into nothingness, like she was never there in the first place, a simple whisper of what used to be. 

Her lingering touch lay on Peter for hours, however, and when Peter came to know consciousness, he found Shuri’s hand gripped to his, her shoulders shaking from crying. It wasn’t real though. Her amber eyes looked at him full of pain, before she clinged onto him, kissing him on the cheek, her fire burning through him until everything turned dark. 

° ° °

Peter woke up gasping for air, heaving as his lungs closed upon themselves leaving him clutching at his throat weakly. His vision was blurry, and he could only make out slightly a small figure sleeping at his bedside, tear tracks across their vision. 

When his vision cleared, Peter turned to see Shuri sleeping beside him, and his heart clenched even more at her face, which seemed perfectly broken because of him. It seemed all he did nowadays was to cause hurt to more and more people who loved him.   
He slipped his hand softly in her hand. Besides Natasha, Shuri was perhaps the most important person in his life. The girl had never failed to make him laugh, and Peter wished he could do nothing more except to smile at her once more, or at least muster up the energy to even pretend to smile for her because Shuri deserved to be happy. Peter could never forgive himself if simply because he was broken and fucked up that he destroyed her light as well. 

The girl blearily opened her eyes next to Peter, almost shooting up before realizing that Peter could not probably handle such rapid movement at the instance. Peter smiled inwardly, it was one of the reasons Shuri was so important to him, she fully understood him, even when he was broken and a simple shell of what he used to be. 

“Hey.” Peter tried for a smile, for her benefit, but it turned out to look more like a grimace or wince instead.

Shuri looked that she was going to burst out crying at just the sound of his voice, but smiled at him toothily. 

The silence around Peter that used to be peaceful, something he had longed for turned into this pounding beat in his mind, consuming him from reality. 

“Please just talk.” He almost begged the girl, knowing that he seemed desperate. 

Shuri’s eyes flashed in shock for a second, before turning into understanding, no questions asked. The girl rambled on about the inventions she had made in Wakanda in the meantime, making sure to stay clear of any mention about Peter’s condition, Tony, or Infinity War. 

Peter simply sat there and listened to her, her voice floating through his head, clearing away thoughts and the silence of the air around. 

He supposed this would be the closest he would feel to be okay in some time. But he was okay with that too.


	10. 10 | accepting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes, i updated aren't you proud of me :) I hope I'm not rushing Peter's whole recovery process? I honestly don't know that much about this, so if anyone wants to give recommendations or constructive criticism i would be really thankful :)
> 
> thank you so much for reading!!!

Peter sat in the dark after Shuri left. He found himself doing that a lot lately, simply sitting there, lost in the darkness that resided in his mind. His thoughts wandered to Ned and Michelle, and he wondered whether they were doing okay. Or even, if they had heard about him, or if they even cared that much. 

Pepper, someone who had become something akin to a mother like figure, although she could never replace May, had yet to be seen since the news of Tony’s death came after the war. The women didn’t say anything, simply giving Peter a long hug, before disappearing from the public. Peter supposed she blamed him for Tony’s death. That was okay though, Peter blamed himself too. 

Stark Industries had been in a complete downfall these past couple of months. The stocks had crashed, and although some of the higher ups and Rhodey attempted to save the company, nothing seemed to be able to pick the once thriving company at the very top of technology off the ground. Without Pepper running as CEO behind everything, without Tony behind working on all his technological advancements, the company was simply a shell of what it used to be. 

Workers and workers had been laid off by the company, and many were placing bets on when the company would finally collapse into bankruptcy. 

Peter’s eyes drifted towards the bedside, noticing his phone sitting on the side, untouched for months and gathering months. He shut his eyes in pain. There was no doubt that if he opened it a flood of memories would hit him. It would be too much to handle.  
But all things aside, even if he was breaking on the inside while everyone tried to mend him, he missed his best friends. So his hands itched towards the phone, before picking it up, the heavy weight of it sitting on his fragile hands. 

His fingers trembled as he turned on the phone, a flood of notifications appearing on the screen, its blue light projecting itself onto his pale face. Peter flicked through them, his heart clenching at the desperate messages of Ned and Michelle. His Instagram had been flooded with well-wisher after well-wisher, his spirits lifting only slightly at the sight of them all. Scrolling through everything, Peter’s visioned tunneled at Flash’s comment, his eyes shutting in pain. 

 

“ i hope you’re okay i guess... i know we have had our differences but even you don’t deserve this and i guess i was wrong so um yeah. i’m sorry dude.”

 

Peter scoffed. Flash was probably simply trying to look good in front of everyone else when in reality, he would be happier if Peter simply disappeared and died. 

He continued scrolling through the comments, as slowly his breathing growing faster each mean comment he came across. Peter tried to block them out of his head, but when he scrolled past one which accused Peter of killing Tony, the teenager dropped the phone, the trembling across his body growing more present. 

He was underground, and couldn’t breathe again. He closed his eyes, and once again he was back on that alien planet, watching his father getting stabbed over and over again on loop while he stood there like a coward doing nothing. He was watching the light go out of his eyes, watching his final smile, his tooth tainted scarlet. 

“Peter!”

There was a faint sound coming from up above, but the noise made no registration in his cloudy mind, which sat too deep into the dark memories of the incidents that transpired what felt like only a couple of days ago, although it had been a couple of months since the world was “restored” to normal. 

Normal was a funny word. Peter wasn’t quite sure what was even considered normal, considering his definition would surely be the opposite compared to other teenagers his age. His normal was one that constantly shifted, but no matter, there was always one, a parental figure he loved more than anything that watched over him. Whether it was his parents, Aunt May and Uncle Ben, or Tony, he always had someone. And now, he was left with absolutely nothing to truly hold on to. 

“Peter!”

The shouting was more urgent, but what did it matter for Peter? He was fine underground here. It was better this way. 

“Peter.”

The voice sounded like they were crying, and Peter’s heart clenched a little. So when a soft hand shifted onto his shoulders, Peter lifted his head up towards consciousness. 

“I wish I could help you. You’re my best friend. We all love you Peter. Please... Just let us help you.”

Peter fought against the wave of darkness that fought against him. He wanted to stop being such a disappointment to everyone. But when he found himself in reality again, opening his eyes, where everything was too bright and too much pain overfilled his senses, he simply wished to go back down where everything was peaceful. 

He couldn’t though. Shuri’s eyes were filled with glistening tears, diamonds resting upon her caramel skin, and when his eyes met hers he broke down. 

Peter hadn’t cried since everything had happened. And as he sat sobbing in Shuri’s arms, everything hit him at once. 

But that was okay too. He had people to bring him back. 

° ° °

Bucky sat on the couch leaning against Steve, watching the news without really paying attention on what was happening. His face was full of unshed tears, and it wasn’t the first time, nor was it the last, that he felt endlessly grateful for Steve. 

“And now, onto our top news story. It has been a couple of months since the event of what the media has now dubbed the Infinity War. At the cost of this however, was most notably Tony Stark’s life. Stark Industries has been in endless downfall, and the public has yet to seen Pepper Potts or most of the Avengers who seemed to be holed up in the tower grieving on their own. Peter Parker, Tony Stark’s adopted teenager, was last seen on the streets of New York City where he seemingly attempted to commit suicide, and is assumed to be recovering this past month since the incident. We --”

Bucky’s head snapped up at the news at the sound of the story, his vision growing more blurry as everything began to close in around him. Steve looked at him before shutting off the TV and pulling him into his chest, rubbing his shoulders in the process. 

Tony Stark may have died saving the world, but he left all his friends and family somewhat dead as a result. Bucky wasn’t okay. But he had Steve. 

Peter wasn’t okay. But he had all the Avengers. If he only knew that. 

° ° °

Peter leaned heavily on Shuri, his feet dangling over the edge of the bed as if he was back on that rooftop some time ago, the streets of New York City beneath him, waiting for his demise. 

He turned his head slightly to look up towards the other girl, who was looking off into the window, her grip tightening around him as if she let go of him, he would disappear. 

“I need to go back down there, don’t I?” Peter whispered, his voice cracking from misuse. 

Shuri smiled into his hair. “When you’re ready, we’re all be there for you .”

Peter steeled his nerves in preparation. “I think --” He hedged quietly. “I would like to see everyone again all together.”

Shuri straightened up, noticeably trying not to let the disbelief show on her face, smiling softly instead. “You sure? Please don’t feel pressured or anything Pete.”

“Y-Yeah. I think I need to get better. A-And you guys I -- it would help. I miss it.”

The other girl full out grinned, her white teeth flashing back at him, before pulling him into a tight hug. 

He would get better.


	11. 11 | healing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi it's been like 2 months and apparently i'm back with this fic. i'm sorry for making u wait so long and then not even having a long chapter ready for you guys sldfkjgh. i'm going to be completely honest and i say i've really lost interest in this, and honestly my writing even just a few months ago was so bad, and i would like to think i've improved now? anyways, i think i finished this chapter a month ago, but yeah what even is this story there's LIKE NO PLOT. 
> 
> yeah and also this chapter is crap. also shameless self promo but pls read my new stony stories because they're better than this. i hope??
> 
> anyways thank you for reading, comments and kudos are greatly appreciated :)

Peter stood behind the wall to where the sectioned off part of the living room sat. The rest of the Avengers were presumably watching TV and eating like they always seemed to be doing. Shuri stood next to him, seeming to be in no way in a hurry of her own either, her focus resting on Peter and making sure he was still okay. 

Peter steeled himself before he walked in there. Before he would take another step into the vicinity of the living room to be seen by everyone else on the team, he could already feel himself start to shake starting at his hands. His vision blurred, like it always seemed to be recently, but Shuri’s hand on his shoulder brought him back to reality. He focused on her touch, reminding himself that he had her and everyone else in his life. 

He also reminded himself that it was perfectly fine to not be totally okay anymore. 

Every step felt like a dragging a stone along the floor, as he came into the eyesight of the scattered rest of the team. For a brief moment, Peter closed his eyes, everything flashing through his head, the lingering hugs from Tony, the laughter before everything happened, his late night talks with Natasha, Steve and Bucky helping him with History -- Tony’s death at the end of it all. 

Peter’s over sensitive senses heard the loud snap of a head looking up, and a deep intake of breath from someone. He didn’t want to open his eyes, but Shuri’s presence behind him, not too close, but close enough so her presence was known, made him feel more at ease. It definitely wasn’t the first time he had felt so grateful for the other girl. 

Peter squinted open his left eye only slightly, seeing the ecstatic, but also slightly subdued faces of everyone that was sitting around the TV among themselves. 

Natasha gingerly walked towards the boy, stopping in front of him, tear tracks present on her face, eyes red from crying. She tilted her head, asking for permission to hug him. 

Peter’s mouth twitched at an attempt to smile, nodding his head slightly, before he was swept into a breathtaking hug from the spy. He rested his head against her shoulder, closing his eyes in pain, reveling in her arms, hoping that Nat’s touch would soothe him for a little bit. 

Natasha was crying into his oversized sweatshirt, trembling while Peter rested in her arms, breaking because he had never wanted to see her so broken simply because of him. 

The hug broke away far too soon, and when Natasha pulled away, she stood there for a while, simply staring at Peter, her eyes welling up with happy tears. 

His gaze fell to the living room, where the rest of the Avengers were watching, no longer paying attention to the movie which had barely begun to play on the screen. 

With his shifted attention to the rest of the group, neither of the two groups moved, until Bucky let out a choked sob, somewhere between a wail and laugh. The man stumbled up from the couch, slipping from Steve’s grasp, before locking Peter into a tight hug, half laughing from relief, half crying from pain.

Peter didn’t remember much of what happened after. Everything passed by in a blur, but there was flashes of smiling, of hugs, of people crying.

And at the end of it all, Peter remembered being snuggled up between Natasha and Thor, Nat running her hands through his curls in disbelief. He remembered blearily watching the movie which was playing until he drifted off to sleep, free of pain for the first time in what seemed to be forever. 

And then Peter woke up. And everything turned to shit again. 

**° ° °**

Peter woke up to a position that was designed to shield him from the rest of the world, a position that was almost guaranteed to allow him to feel safe when he woke up. He woke up to find himself in the living room still, where someone had put a couple of blankets on top of him. He should have woke up feeling utterly safe.

Instead, Peter woke up with a pounding headache, a spinning world, a voices of his insecurities shouting at him from inside his head as if he had schizophrenia on top of everything. 

He opened his mouth, screaming, but there was no sound came out, and Peter was left floundering on the couch in the early light of the morning. He thought he was doing better, he believed that perhaps he could do better, but his constant panic attacks, did little to reassure him. Even the presence of his friends, the people who supposedly cared about, only worsened his condition. 

Peter began to believe that there was simply no possible way he could get better. Would he be forced to live his life as a recluse, drawn away from the people he would surely hurt if he continued to be around them? Peter sobbed in his hands silently, grasping inside him for the smallest sliver of hope to hold onto. The tiny part of him which truly believed, truly knew even, that he would be okay. That just because he lost his dad, just because he lost everyone, he still had a family. 

“Peter?”

Peter tilted his head up slightly, looking to see Shuri standing over him sleepily, her eyes red, though Peter wasn’t sure whether this was from crying or from simply being tired. 

“I’m fine.” He croaked out, thinking he could convince Shuri at the very least, even if he couldn’t convince himself that he was okay. 

“Peter,” Shuri whispered, going over the couch to sit at the foot of where Peter was laying down. “You don’t have to be okay. But you’re going to be, I promise.”

“How do you know that?” Peter’s voice grew louder, perhaps the loudest it had been since the war, a sudden sweep of anger overwhelming him inside. “How the fuck do you know that, Shuri? I feel so fucking tired all the time now, it’s like I can’t get better, and you’re not helping babysitting me everyday, you know that? Stop pretending I’m going to get better because you don’t know shit. You don’t know what I’m dealing with, you don’t know how much I’m hurting, just how fucking tired I am of living on like this.”

He knew that Shuri was simply trying to help, and perhaps she didn’t deserve him yelling, but Peter couldn’t even feel remorse when he looked at Shuri. All he felt was resentment. Resentment that she was okay, and he wasn’t,

As Peter watched Shuri, the fight suddenly drained out of him. It wasn’t fair. “I’m sorry.” He whispered. 

Shuri smiled sadly at him, pulling him into a hug that for some odd reason, did all sorts of weird flips inside his stomach. It made him almost smile, it had been so long since he had felt anything besides simply hopelessness. Even if it was a feeling that came from a small, unrequited crush that he had absolutely no business having. 

Sure, life wasn’t fair. Peter had dealt with so much more in the course of his teenage years, than most people ever dealt in decades. But it was for a reason. 

_ I shouldn’t be alive, unless it was for a reason.  _

And Peter repeated that in his head like a mantra. Perhaps if he believed that, perhaps if he believed in the people around him, he would finally believe in himself. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [say hi on tumblr!](https://stxvetony.tumblr.com/)


End file.
